It's an election year. I'm still not sure what to make of the candidates, except that they will probably only be able to keep a few of the promises they are making. It's not that they are not willing, they probably just can't. Good intentions, maybe, but truthfully how much can one possibly get done in such a divided situation? Anyway, the race is interesting, the field of options for once looks good.

Meanwhile the invasion of illegal immigrants continues. Is it racist to say that? It is a race issue to some I'm sure. For me it's more a matter of economics, safety, and health care. Check out http://www.cis.org/articles/index.html. So what is my next President going to do about it? Lately, my country's government seems strangely beholden to Mexico. Mexican troop incursions ignored, border agents going to jail, it's strange. Something's up. I think someone's getting paid. Our hospitals certainly are not. Kingsburg just closed their ER because they were not getting paid. Reminds of the 1980's all over again.

I don't like all the Mexican gangs in my area, I don't like the Russian mafia in Spokane Washington either. Does that make me a racist? Last time I checked, Russians were mostly white.

Of course there's always the possibility that our economics and our politics need an overhaul. Surely European nations don't suffer as much as California does due to the influx of non-citizens. How do they handle it? They are all so small (no offense) compared to our states, and so packed together, and they APPEAR to be so integrated; speaking each other's language and all. I only speak English. I don't speak any other language. Might that not be an indicator of a larger problem inherent in our culture which is causing a crises. Maybe a change or shift in our political orientation (I have no idea what it would be) might turn the tables in everyone's favor? Are we simply slow to change, or truly a nation at risk from foreign invaders willing to work for peanuts; while others form gangs and kill my fellow Americans stuck in the crossfire.  What will my next President do about it? That's the only issue that matters to me. Because in California, in my opinion, the quality of life for citizen and non-citizen alike depends on the answer.

Taken as a whole, human beings can be very arrogant. Individually, some can be more insufferable than others.  Talk to me sometime and you will know exactly what I mean. My cell phone boots up with the phrase, "Be Humble" on its welcome screen because I require such a reminder often. Humility, as the Bible teaches, is a prerequisite for spiritual growth. The same is true for science. Both science and religion need to surround themselves with a compressed atmosphere of humility and inhale deeply. Lately, I've been getting fed up with both their attitudes, and I think I'm now as suspicious of both human organizations as I am of the news media.

When I hear a particular Christian denomination claim to be the true interpretation of God's word, I cringe. Hubris. When I see my religion attempting to force its beliefs on others because of their interpretation of the evangelical imperative I get truly upset. It's the exact same feeling I get when I watch the Discovery channel and I hear current theories discussed as if they were hard cold fact. Theories are not flimsy guesswork, and they are far above hypothesis. They take years of hard work and in many cases slaving away with quiet determination toward the truth, with the specter of a funding deadline that seems to get moved closer each passing month without the courtesy of a warning. But when a theory is put forth as the absolute truth, it undermines all that hard work and hard-won understanding.

Consider the following presentation (a simple example...don't even get me started on string theory vs. M-theory to explain our manifestation):
"The Dinosaurs were killed by an asteroid that impacted off the Yucatan peninsula millions of years ago. The resulting blast lifted tons of earth and dust into the air, blocking out sunlight and destroying the food chain by preventing photosynthesis."

Notice how the above statement does NOT include the phrase "the current theory is..." Without that single phrase it reads as if we know, without a doubt, that this is what killed the dinos. If you watched any related episode on NOVA or Discovery Channel or History Channel prior to 2005, the theory was presented in this manner...as an absolute fact. Yes, fact and theory are kissing cousins, but they are not the same thing. Case in point, fast forward to 2008 and now it is being suggested that the asteroid impact could not have been solely responsible because the extinction event took nearly 10,000 years to play itself out. Now it is hypothesized, by studying insects trapped in amber and harvesting their DNA (now that is amazing) that a disease could have been part of the puzzle, along with the asteroid impact and a hyper-volcanic earth. Somebody has been working hard, long hours in some extremely inhospitable places on earth to continue digging for the truth. Admirable. However, if it ever becomes theory I won't buy it entirely, because these same scientists presented the last theory as an immutable fact. Is this the new immutable fact? No? Then say so. Please. Just include the phrase "the current theory is..."  Otherwise it is deception; a deception that in fact undermines the credibility and hard work of the people dedicating their lives to the subject at hand.

Now before the religious nod their heads in knowing affirmation, bow your heads in humility to the mirror at your feet. You are no better. The same need to be right all the time, the same malignant narcissism, often infects the presentation of your own doctrine. The doctrine may be sound, just like a scientific theory, but the presentation instantly destroys its credibility.

Now there are exceptions, but like any truth, identifying these exceptions is difficult and requires hard work.

God knows all about the dangers of pride and arrogance. It has to be removed to establish a relationship with him, and given the above it's clear why this is. We can barely establish credible relationships with each other based on things we can actually observe and measure. How could we otherwise  hope to connect with a trans-dimensional superior being like God?

When I was about 2 months old, I was adopted into a great family back in 1968. It was a closed adoption, meaning the birth mother could never find out what happened to me, and vice versa.  I was raised on knowledge (god and science), and music, and sports. My family instilled in me an inherent respect for people and for myself. It was the best it could be. When I was three years old, living in Fresno California, I was told i was adopted. Now for anyone who doubts that a 3 year old understands this or could remember this as an adult, let me assure you that both are possible. In fact, the moment had such an impact on me that I remember being in the kitchen with the morning sun shining through (we lived on Ellery street at the time) the kitchen window as my mom and dad explained this to me. Simply put they explained that I did not come out of my mommies tummy. That I got. It was also why I didn't resemble anyone in the family. That question of resemblance, in fact, may have been what started them into the conversation with me. I was as blond as it gets, and nobody else in my family was blond. Now I have thick wavy dark hair, but at the time, quite the opposite.

It turns out that three years old is considered the right age to bring up with a child that you have adopted them. I can see why. Waiting any longer would leave the impression with the child that it is a subject they are either not proud of or for some reason didn't want you know about. Either way, it would introduce trust issues. But at 3 years of age, with a father who was a successful banker and a mother who was already on her way to becoming a spectacular ER nurse (the woman is just incredible under pressure) I got it.

Over the next few years I had a lot of questions. Who was she? Did I look like her? How old was she when she had me? When can I show her this cool thing I just built with the new Leggo Bricks set dad bought me yesterday? Notice the one question missing here: Did she give me away because she didn't love me? It never occurred to me to ask this question because of the way my parents explained my adoption to me.

The explanation went like this: Your mother loved you so much that she knew you would have a better life with another family. She was only 14 when she became pregnant with you and that's just too young for a mommy to raise you. She wanted you to have a great life, and so she let us have you. We chose you, out of all the possible babies in the world, to be our son.

Now imagine how cool that was to hear at such a young age, and to hear it consistently every time I asked the same questions. I asked the questions to hear the answer. First of all to make sure the story didn't change, but mostly because of how GOOD the answer always made me feel. I even bragged to my friends that I was adopted. The concept was new to them (but when you're a kid you're used to everything being new...that's the fun of being a kid) and they were genuinely curious. Not once did any kid attempt to turn this information into some sort of insult or tease. They thought it was cool, and would even introduce me as their "adopted friend". Maybe this was because of the way I talked about being adopted, or maybe it was because the kids I ran with were polite, fun, and truly nice kids.

I have good memories of those days in Fresno; catching bugs, climbing trees, and wondering if my birth mother was sad that she could not be with me. My mother told me that it was probably very hard for my birth mother to give me up because she loved me so much. The adoption agency, Infant of Prague, had been kind enough to tell my parents that my birth mother was a very beautiful and caring young girl that was also very upset at the thought of giving me up, but felt she was doing the right thing. Looking back, I couldn't agree more.

We moved from Fresno to Lancaster California when I was 4. That year we adopted my only other sibling; my brother. I got to see how it was done. My memories of that day are a bit sketchy, but I do remember a room full of bassinets and being led to the one with my brother in it. He was supposed to be a she. The adoption agency had made a mistake. Instead of picking up a girl, we were getting a boy. I didn't care. I was just excited to be getting a brother. Later I would learn that this is not the normal way to add a member to the family, but it's a lot less inconvenient for Mom.

With the addition of my brother to the family through adoption, I figured I would get a jump on the questions for him. Probably before he could even speak, my brother knew he was adopted, and he knew how cool that was.

When I turned 14 a realization hit me that this was the same age my birth mother had been when she had me. It was hard for me to get my mind around. How could she have become pregnant at 14? But it did give me a new appreciation for why she gave me up. 14 is just too young indeed. When I was 5, 14 seemed pretty grown up to me. But at 14 I clearly understood that having a kid would be terrifying. By now I also understood that having a kid did not occur in the same manner in which we acquired my younger brother. In fact, "acquisition" was not even close in terms of how it usually gets done. This made me ask another question. Why had she become pregnant so young? I mean, why would she do THAT act at such a young age? God is clear that getting pregnant should only occur when two people are married. Apparently, I still had a bit learn.

But the question that bothered me most appeared to me in the form of a disturbing dream I began having around the same time. I'm walking through a beautiful old cemetery on a late autumn afternoon. The air is brisk, the leaves swirling around making chiming music as they brush past each other (I'm a vivid dreamer, my wife tells me that my dreams are like little movies when I describe them to her). The cemetery ends at the edge of a canyon, at the bottom of which runs a dark blue river. The headstone I'm approaching is a simple rounded slab of granite. There is no name on it, but I know this is her grave. I am too late. I did not find her in time. I never got to thank her for loving me enough to give me up for adoption. I stare at the headstone, trying to make out the name on it. Someone should remember what she did for me, and who she was.

Waking up from this dream I always felt pretty powerless. Infant of Prague was not going to give up any information to a kid. Even when I turned 18 it proved impossible for me to get the information I needed to find out who she was. I didn't want to invade her life. At 18 I knew better. But I did want to let her know she did the right thing. By now I fully understood how hard this must have been for her.

I was 27 and running a small consulting business in Visalia. I had by now experienced quite a number of health issues for which I had not familial information to help diagnose. Being adopted has a downside: you can't give a family history to your physician. However, I was happily married and had other things to worry about. My 28th birthday was several weeks away and I was feeling somewhat of a failure. At 28 I had imagined myself in a better financial situation and with less stress. Haven't we all.

That night while I was taking a shower after working out, my wife mentioned she knew what I was getting for my birthday. She said it was going to be a surprise. Now, if you knew my wife you would know how much she hates surprises. If I had told her something like that she would have pestered me to no end until I either gave up the info or went insane trying to keep the surprise a surprise. Whatever she had brewing, it was very exciting to her. I did SOME pestering, but I actually like surprises when I know they are going to be good. Good surprises are few and far between, so I tend to relish the anticipation. She told me I was going to meet someone I had not seen a really long time. Many names came to mind, but of course I could not know that my wife was in the process of locating my birth mother.

A few weeks later, I was at work trying to figure out a database problem for a project I was working on. The phone rang. It was my wife.

"Remember that person I told you I was arranging to come see for your birthday?", she asked. She sounded apprehensive. I assumed she had failed to pull it off.

"Yeah," I said, a bit distracted by work. "But don't worry about. What you tried to do is tough."

"Well," she continued, ignoring me, "Did you ever guess who it was?"

"No, but I'm sure we can go see them over the summer if they can't make it here." I mean really, who is going to make a trip to come see me in March?

"Well, I'll tell you who it was. It was your birth mother."

Stunned silence. I didn't know what to say, much less what to think. Now I understood the apprehension in her voice. She had tried to do the impossible. There is no way she could have pulled that off. Suzanne is an incredible wife. She would move mountains for me, and this time she had tried to move the heavens too.

"Honey. Holy cow. I mean, oh my God. You tried to do that for me? Don't worry about it Suz. There's no way you could have pulled that off in a few years much less a few weeks, unless you've been trying for a few years, in which case, I might...."

"You don't understand," she interrupted. "I found her."

I remember reaching over to turn off my computer. There would be no point in trying to work any more today. Instead of shutting down my PC like one is supposed to, I simply killed the power to it. I didn't know what I was doing. Then I remembered to breath. Then I remembered where I was and that my wife was still on the phone.

"Hello?" she said, "Are you still there?" A bit of a giggle on the end of that question. She was laughing a bit.

"I am. You did what?"

"I found her."

"How? How did you do that? I mean, are you sure it's her? How do you know..."

"I'll tell you later. She wants to meet you. Is that OK?"

"Of course it's OK! When? Should we start looking at airfare?"

"Tonight."

I couldn't speak. This meant she was either getting on a plane or she actually lived close enough to be here this evening by car.

I called my mother, the ER nurse. She worked at Kaweah Delta District Hospital. It was a very difficult phone call to make. I imagined from her point of view that this news might not be something she wanted to here. I was 28, but to a mother I have come to learn that means nothing. I was still her son. She was my mother. This news meant someone was about to encroach on that. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but at the same time I wanted to share my excitement with her. When I told her the news, her response is one I should have guessed. She said, "I'm so happy for you! You can never have too many people in this world that love you."

My wife had found my birth mother. She had found her. I was 27, that would make her...41, 42 at the most. Driving home I was lost in thought. What kind of person was she? How had Suzanne pulled this off? I was also elated, but also nervous. What was this going to be like?

When I got home, my wife met me at the door. "Here," she said handing me a bouquet of flowers, "I picked these up on my way home. She is going to be just as nervous as you are."

Looking around the house I could see Suzanne and had been busy. The house was spotless and candles had been lit. All I had to do now was wait. Which gave me time to ask Suzanne some questions.

"What's her name?" Seems like Suzanne had already told me this.

"Shelly", she said. "And she sounds so nice. I really think you're going to like her Michael. We had discussed waiting for the day of your birthday to tell you but we thought that would actually not be very nice to you. Also, she can't wait to see you. She was crying her eyes out on the phone. I was too."

That actually surprised me. My wife is not an overly emotional woman. She is sweet, but she is also very stoic. Not much brings a tear to her eyes. She rolls her eyes at "chick flicks". "Die Hard" is one of her favorite movies of all time.

It was getting close to time. I was getting nervous. I was pacing, and had picked the flowers up, then put them down so many times Suzanne had moved them to the kitchen and told me not to touch them  until Shelly showed up.

It was dark by the time Shelly arrived. A car pulled up in my driveway and I heard footsteps up to my door. The door bell rang. I stood on the other side with flowers in one hand and disbelief in the other. I was about to meet my birth mother. The woman I had so long idealized in my head, the woman whom up until just awhile ago had no name. She might even look like me. Imagine that. Family resemblance. That would be new.

"Michael!", my wife snapped me out of it. "Open the door! You're being rude!"

"Of course," I said. I was a grown man, and I was behaving like an idiot. I opened the door.

Things happen which I either understand or I don't. In my human need to ascribe meaning to everything, I find the disturbing possibility that God actually does have a hand in everything that goes on. How to reconcile this? A lot of what goes on down on Earth is pretty awful. True, there are things to celebrate, but what of the bad stuff? How do we forgive God when things go really south? Older people probably know this well. The person they have loved all their life dies, their kids put them in a home, and their life savings comes almost nothing in the end. It's a reality faced everyday, and yet I see faith in their eyes, and a gladness to know God. How is that possible? Maybe they know something I don't. Maybe to truly know God means understanding something about his nature which inherently makes sense and requires no forgiveness on our part.

Maybe, understanding the true nature of God means looking  back on the act of Creation and examining again this thing about Him desiring a relationship with his creation. It would have to be predicated on free will, or it wouldn't be much of a relationship. This free will would be the core principle upon which the entire sentient world rested. It would require allowing some rather nasty people to exist alongside exceedingly nice people. It would mean not possessing the bad people to stop them from hurting the good. Intervention, when it did happen, would have to be in such a way that it didn't overtly acknowledge His existence to everyone, thus negating faith. And again, it would have to be in a manner that did not hinder free will.

So can I forgive him when things go very wrong despite my best efforts to be faithful to Him? I think it will take more wisdom that is still beyond me, but I believe embracing this free will as a gift, and thanking the Creator for giving us the ability to disagree with him in the first place, might be a start. It would, ultimately, be a form of gratitude for  being alive in the first place, and for that I can certainly give thanks.

As a Christian, and former atheist, I have always been of the opinion that when it comes to God, perception is reality. The fact that God cannot currently be observed by a third party directly makes it impossible for any one Christian to claim their church or denomination "has it right". Fortunately, I have met few Christians that base their faith on being the absolute last word on the "proper" way to relate to God.

As I grow in my relationship with God, my perception of him is gradually changing. I know HE does not change, but my relationship with him does. Being a mortal currently confined to this physical realm means my perception of him is how I believe he really is. And this, of course, is a problem. It means that I can never prove all of this is "not in my head" to anyone else (which would validate my faith via a 3rd party). It means that faith will always remain, for me at least, a circular logic problem: to get faith, I have to have faith that my faith is well placed in reality, and not in spiritual delusion.  This is an objectionable aspect of religion to those who do not understand it. It's not a problem confined to Christianity. I think this problem is aptly described as "you cannot prove the bible is correct by using the bible." Were proof a critical aspect of spirituality, I would not be a Christian.

Some of my friends have been Christians all their lives, and have never experienced an utter lack of belief in God, so this can be a difficult subject to discuss with them because they have no frame of reference.  But at some point in my life, not too long ago, I realized that paradox and circular logic are not that far apart when it comes to matters of faith, and that this is, in fact, acceptable. In fact, it may be critical in order for us to break out of our normal way of thinking and reach for a higher power.

Several years ago I was in to composing ambient electronic music. You know, the kind that you can relax to. I programmed my own wave forms, did all my own studio mixing, and wrote music that was very well received by those who enjoy this genre. I even got on MP3.com's WorldWide CD distribution.

One day I will get back to it again, but if you want to check it out you can go to www.michaelpenner.com/music.  You can also download the MP3 files (these are 196 Variable Bit Rate files so as far as MP3 files go they are pretty high quality) at:
www.michaelpenner.com/mp3. Share these with friends and family if you think they are good enough.

Let me know what you think.

Well, as you may have gleaned from my profile, I have a company that specializes in internet marketing and web design in Visalia, California. I am leading the charge to build a website that is youth oriented and fun / highly interesting for those under 25. If anyone out there fits that category and would like to give your answer to the following, it would go a long way toward helping me understand what sorts of things to consider for the site. Currently it is found at www.enter210.org, but it is NOT in its ideal form. That's why I need some input....

1. What is your favorite website and why?
2. What is your least favorite website and why?
3. What would make your favorite website better?
4. What do you like doing online?
5. What would make you tell friends to visit a site you've just seen?