June 21, 2009
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A DINK Father’s Day
I called my dad who lives in Oklahoma, and explained to him that I would have called earlier except that having no kids I was able to sleep in until 11a.m. My dad has a great sense of humor.
My wife and I are both 40 years old, and with no kids we are met with a variety of responses when people learn about our Double-Income No Kids status. We’ve lived in metros such as Los Angeles, but mostly in small towns such as San Luis Obispo or Visalia where we currently reside. The reaction is the same regardless of demographic: some feel sorry for us (which we find rather an odd reaction), some have actually asked us what’s wrong (again, we don’t quite understand that), and some (more than not) have said they love their kids, but wouldn’t do it again. It’s this 3rd response which always surprises us most. It’s also the most common response, which is a bit disturbing.
Without exception we always find ourselves in the position of having to explain why we don’t have kids, and most of the time it’s nothing more than a passing subject in conversation with new friends who are simply getting to know me or my wife. At first there is a bit of surprise, some interest, and then it passes into the background. Often it becomes the subject of good-natured jokes and the banter is terrific among friends. But with family, this can actually get very uncomfortable, and in our late 20′s even became an “off limits” topic during family gatherings because the women in our family (mothers in particular) decided there must be something wrong. Like peer pressure to conform, the family unit can be relentless in its demands, and resourceful in the variety of psychological tactics used to exert such pressure. Thankfully, at 40 years old, this has ceased to be a topic of interest within the family.
Our response, which has never changed, is one of open honesty. We just shrug our shoulders and explain that having kids has never been something we’ve felt compelled to do. It’s just not something we have ever felt tied to any sort of feeling of fulfillment. If pressed further we repeat the answer. What more can we do? There really isn’t any more to it than that. Some have finally realized that our world view and their world view are not the same and the things they require to be happy are not the same as ours. Hard to imagine I guess.
As is often the case with people who live outside the normative curve, I have no opinion about people who choose to have kids. If I were gay it might be the case that I wouldn’t have an opinion about people that are straight. It’s just not something that occurs to me to have an opinion about. However, I do have some strong feelings about the subject of having kids, and raising them, in general. And here they are:
1. Judging by the behavior of many parents, I don’t believe their kids stand a chance.
2. Judging by the behavior of many kids, I don’t think their parents stand a chance.
3. Most people shouldn’t be allowed to have kids, and most kids deserve better than the parents they got.
4. Most kids want to please their parents and other adults. The rest are sociopaths that eventually go to work for the IRS.
5. In the age of the internet and cell phones, grounding a child for bad behavior is as useless as the UN imposing sanctions on a country for bad behavior.
6. Most kids think their parents are idiots whose opinions don’t matter, but will pay close attention and take it to heart if their parents think the same of them.
7. Teaching a kid how to fight doesn’t mean they will go out and pick fights, any more than sex education will promote promiscuity, or driver’s education will cause car accidents.
8. There are bad kids. Kids that are just mean, nasty, cruel, and hateful by nature. If your kid is one of these, fix this situation soon or society will end up doing it for you. Consider the odds of ignoring the problem turning out well for everyone involved and act accordingly.
9 My wife is a fantastic gardener. In fact she is a genius in my opinion. In my many years of not raising kids I have come to believe that if parents tended their children like my wife tends her garden, society as a whole would be better for it. Sometimes you have to nip things in the bud, sometimes you have to give up and change your approach. But you must always commit to helping that garden grow. You must not get into gardening unless you can be sure it will be a labor of love, and you must not rely on someone else to do the hardest work for you.
10. Those who wish they never had kids probably have kids who wish they never had parents.Happy Father’s Day.
Comments (11)
Speaking as one who has two kids, your insights are pretty much on the money. It is a shame how many kids have “parents” who think that once they can feed and dress themselves that the parenting thing is a done deal. My years of working with teens has taught me that they want and need limits and even if they fight you to the line about them, you generally have their respect. Of course, you need to respect them as well.
As a teacher, there are times at school I want to give the parents the punishment instead of the kid.
it is so simple,,dar,,, just explain that you have homicidal serial killers on both sides of your family and have chosen not to pass the genes on to the future.. zaphod..
seriously a very well written commentary…
did you finally get thru all of my God’s will material??
we are in Montana rain rain rain… it is Seattle with moose…
I know the feeling. My mom inparticular was feeling rather envious that my aunt (one of her younger sisters) already has a grandchild. She mentioned this to me at a gathering with the family and I was getting annoyed by it so I said as quietly to her as I could “you should have encouraged me to date more as a kid” and walked away.
It’s true though… They never had anything good to say even if I just had guy friends I wasn’t interested in so I really never dated much. My brother on the other hand was encouraged alot more to date and go out and be social so he’s already tried marriage. No kids but I tell them to keep him in mind cause he has more time to have kids than I do biologically and is more likely to get married again.
~L~
@brokenbindings2 - I don’t think I’d be good at the tough love thing. Most likely I’d be a push over and just frustrate the heck out of my wife…who is herself an elementary school teacher and loves “her peanuts”. But you’re right about the need for this approach. Some of the people I respect the most taught me not to do certain things…like sneak over to rfloydlewis’s son’s house when was 13 and try to wake him up at 3a.m. to watch a meteor shower. One can be mistaken for a prowler and find themselves admiring the business end of a well maintained shotgun.
@LifeNeedsProtection - Oh, without a doubt. When my wife has to drive up to the indian reservation to meet a parent who continuously fails to show for meetings about their kids, she often finds a domestic situation that is less than ideal.
@rfloydlewis - I don’t want to hear any complaining. You’re in God’s country and I’m stuck down here in the Valley heat with air quality only a muffler could love. Truly, I have read through your document. I am sorry I have not yet responded. I owe you and Lovegrove a post.
@j3nnee73 - Nice comeback! Suzanne was raised by a father who was the same way. Of course once he met me he realized his daughter was doomed…muhahahah. Seriously, we’ve had some great times together. Mysterium included!
@Darterius - Mostly it was my mom. Either she were like “well he’s fat… or he’s too this or that.” I never understood that kind of stuff when they taught me to otherwise be tolerant of people’s differences. And this was just with my friends they were picky! My mom had people watch me in first grade to be sure I wouldn’t hold hands with a friend who was male.
Now they wonder if or when I’m ever going to get married… even I don’t know that. LOL And unlike my older cousin, I never really rebelled. I didn’t do the piercings, tattoos, weird clothes, drinking or other junk people do. I was just a bookish geek. 
regarding your weather comment… it is far from perfect.. yesterday we got up to 81 and had two thunderstorms.. hee hee
rereading some of your stuff… you are a good writer.. we are in western Colorado for some visiting and fishing. plan to be home in mid august long enough to restock and head for the mountains. we are anti heat. loved the remark about “air only a muffler could love” WHY do we live there?????